My Symptoms #3

 

I have lost my sense of balance; not all of it yet, but some days I just can’t find it. I’m worse on uneven ground. I’m able to walk through the grocery store with the use of  a cart. I can step away and look around for a bit, even walk up and down the aisle, but I’m unstable if I need to reach the top shelf. If I stand for long periods at a time, I feel as if the bones in my legs might crumble at any minute, leaving me in a heap on the floor. It helps to take some small steps back and forth.

I have trouble going up and down stairs without help and I need a railing on both sides because I can only grip my left hand. We use four steps to get inside our home on wheels. We modified with a railing and grab bar. The trick is to step down facing backwards, holding on with my left hand, then go up facing forward. It’s all very scientific! I still need a spotter every time I perform this trick.

This saddens me. I can no longer dance. I can no longer cha cha at the salsa club. I can no longer take a Zumba class. I can no longer take a walk outside on my own!

I only had one item on my bucket list: To dance in a ballroom competition. I’m proud to say I have a BIG CHECK  next to that one; I DANCED IN FIVE ! The first time I competed we were unknown students at a new studio. Feeling he was not good enough at the time, My BFF declined to participate; not knowing our eager male instructor would turn him into a MARVELOUS  dancer in no time! The new instructor explained he would be partnering some of the females at the studio and I was welcome to join them. My heart filled with joy!

It was harder than I anticipated: grueling, in fact. I began to believe I was way out of my league. Having  known one another, as long time students of the studio, the five other women had formed a sisterhood that I was not a part of.  I felt like an outsider. The experience of dancing with another male ( stranger ) caused me feel awkward. The sleeves of his crisp, white shirt exposed the skin on his arms. Each time we were in dance position I could smell his aftershave/ cologne/deodorant?

The choreography for some of the Latin dances is provocative and seductive: think Tango. It involves getting right up into your partner’s face; one of many things that hadn’t crossed my mind. One movement called for me to slide my hands down the instructor’s arms. Every time we did that part of the dance I was mindful of the hair on his arms; so mindful I had talk myself out of laughing!

One long evening we were all having trouble navigating a new routine. We got a scathing  tongue-lashing that left me feeling defeated, but mainly, embarrassed for the instructor. An awkward silence hung in the air while he tried again with one of the dancers; I was glad it wasn’t me. While the rest of us waited in line for our go, I asked myself, “Why am I doing this? I’m not as good as I thought. This is the last night  I’m coming here!”

As if she could hear my thoughts, the woman in front of me turned around and whispered, “Makes you wonder why doing this, doesn’t it?” Her lips were pursed and she wore a frown.

In that moment my mind became lucid and the answer was so simple:  BECAUSE I WANT TO!

That night wasn’t my last time. I set my sights higher and knew I could do it, and that changed everything for me! I placed First in every category I danced in, proving to myself that all things are possible with hard work and determination.

Regrettably, my CBS doesn’t allow me to do the things I used to, but I still practice hard work and determination every day.